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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.