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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
If you think my post are bad, you should see my choice in men.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.