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I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.