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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!