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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
I may be asking too much of this coffee.