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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.