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Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.