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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
What doesn`t kill you, will hopefully try again
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"