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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?