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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".