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Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.