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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.