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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!