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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.
Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.