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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.