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If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.