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If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat