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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
And then her mood ring just...exploded
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?