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For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.