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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.