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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.