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I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.