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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...