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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...