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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
he who laughs last thinks slow
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
I`m having an out of money experience.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?