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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.