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One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
heyy lol
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Posting a status update before responding to someone`s text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.