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*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...