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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
I`ll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.