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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......