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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Remember when the world ended last year?
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.