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So I´ve narrowed it down and I´m either gonna start a motorcycle gang or take a nap.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!