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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.