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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll