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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
you`re about as useless as a red light in grand theft auto
You have no idea how funny I am to me.