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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.