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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
exercise........you mean extra fries
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.