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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.