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Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
i like boobs
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?