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Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.