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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.