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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.