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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.