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This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.