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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!