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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.