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I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, Iām really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.