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Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.