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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.