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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I know I`ve had enough to drink when I have to concentrate to blink.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like