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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.