Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
pudding... thats always a funny word
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
H&R Block said I won`t get nearly as much back in taxes this year because apparently the neighbors want to claim their own children.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"