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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.