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If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.