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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.