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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.